THE BUMBLING IDIOTS

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Burl and Earl were two bumbling idiots. They weren’t born that way, but as it happens, they were walking very fast down a lane and Burl accidentally hit his head on a low-hanging tree branch. This caused him to have frequent headaches and sneezing fits. It also caused his head to ricochet and hit Earl in the head. That gave him a headache but it was not contagious. It did, however, cause him to have coughing fits. 

Worst of all, whenever they were together, they would experience the most unpleasant events that should be avoided at all costs. (If you ever have sneezing and coughing fits beware of this phenomenon, however unlikely it may occur). When Burl felt a headache and sneezing fit coming on, and he was in the presence of Earl, they would both be transported to an unpleasant situation and transmuted into some other form. The only escape was when Earl had a coughing spell which would place them back to where they belonged and back to their original, albeit undesirable condition. 

They eventually learned to avoid each other at all costs. Burl often carried a case of Kleenex, while Earl carried a case of Hall’s Cherry flavored cough drops.  They also learned to avoid low-hanging branches.

One day, however, the fate god found them separated by many miles. He had waited patiently for the two to merge and they would not. Therefore, he blew really hard and sent a strong gust of wind that caused them to bump into each other really hard. They were so fat by that time that only their bellies could collide so they managed to bounce off of each other. They were so heavy though that they landed only inches from each other. When they came to their senses (what little they had) they realized that, once again, they were in close proximity, and were horrified.

“What the devil!” They exclaimed in unison. Burl’s headache started coming on. Immediately, with what speed they could muster, they slowly rose to their feet and tried to put distance between them. 

After five minutes Burl felt a tingling sensation in his nasal cavity. 

“Oh, dear!” he said.

“What,” queried Earl. “Oh please don’t tell me.”

“I’m afraid so,” replied Burl. Then he commenced a sneezing fit that shook the ground and sent the nearby groundhog scurrying for cover.

§§§§

The next instant two zebras found themselves grazing somewhere in the Serengeti.

Burl finished wiping his nostrils with his hoof and got mud on his face. It must have just rained. It smelled like rain and his mane was dripping wet. He looked around and asked, “Where are we?” He assumed the other zebra was Earl because he was standing about the same distance as Earl was before. Besides, the other zebra was looking at him with much disdain. He looked like he had just stepped out of the shower and forgot his towel. He probably would have whacked Burl with it somehow, but he also had only hoofs and no hands to whack a towel with.

“We’re in the Serengeti”, Earl growled (if a zebra could growl of course). “Somewhere in the middle of freaking Africa!”

“Sorry about that, Earl.” Burl remorsed. “I couldn’t help it.” He reached for a Kleenex only to realize that zebras don’t carry Kleenex. He thought to himself, “When I get back I am going to send a case of Kleenex to the Serengeti zebras.”

“That’s okay, Burl.” mused Earl. “ This place isn’t quite so bad. There’s enough room for me to get away from you. And the grass is okay.” He reached down and grabbed a clump of moist green stuff, not realizing he was about to eat a grub worm who was heading home after a long day at work. The crunch of protein was satisfying to Earl.

Burl looked at Earl and asked,”Do you suppose you could cough to get us out of here?”

“I don’t feel it coming on, so we may be awhile.” Earl kept chewing the grass and grubworms.

“Oh,” replied Burl. Although he too was enjoying the panoramic vista and grass and grubworms, he was longing for home (but not the low-hanging branches).

There was a rustling in the tall grass behind them.

“Earl?” said Burl.

“What?” asked Earl.

“I think we’re not alone.”

“Huh?”

They flicked their ears back to hear more clearly and held their tails still. They sniffed the air. The aroma smelled like a feline with bad breath, like when Burl’s cat would wake him in the morning after eating a rat in the basement and wanted to go outside to relieve himself.  That would make him sneeze of course, but he loved the cat.

The thought sent Burl into a sneezing fit.

“Here we go again,” said Earl.

§§§§

Two flowers stood basking in the sunlight. They felt an urge to keep looking at the sun. It felt good all the way down to their roots.

“Now where are we?” asked Burl, assuming the other one was Earl. Flowers don’t have mouths to talk with, so somehow they managed to talk in plant talk. Since they had no mouths, they couldn’t cough either. They almost had noses once to sneeze with when, many millennia ago the first flower to start to have a nose was promptly smashed by a stegosaurus who apparently had a distaste for flowers with noses. Ever since then, flowers learned to smell in other ways.

“I think we are in a sunflower field.  That would explain why we keep looking at the sun which would burn our eyes if we had eyes.”

“Then I’m glad we don’t have eyes,” said Burl. “We would be blind sunflowers. What would the other sunflowers think?”

“They would be blind, too,” Earl reminded him.

“Oh yeah. Right.” Burl felt like a bumbling idiot.

“We also have these things on our face that feel ready to pop off,” Earl noticed.

“You mean sunflower seeds?” asked Burl.

“Yes,” Earl responded. “and these petals around our faces which I assume are yellow.” He tried pointing at them but his leaves would not move except when the wind blew. It was a gentle breeze that day so it was hard to point.

“I like being a sunflower,” mused Burl.

“Well, I don’t!” grumbled Earl the sunflower curmudgeon. He knew he couldn’t cough since he didn’t have a mouth, but maybe if he imagined it hard enough he could think he was coughing. So he began to imagine really hard, with all the flower power he could muster, to whip up a coughing frenzy never before seen by man or plant.  His roots started to wiggle. His stem started to shake. His leaves and petals started to flutter. 

“What are you doing?” asked Burl, very puzzled.

“Be quiet and watch,” Earl ordered.

Suddenly, Earl shook hard like a reed in a mighty wind, and all his seeds popped off like popcorn at once.

§§§§

Two extremely fat men near a low-hanging branch and a groundhog looked at each other with a mixture of surprise, delight, and horror.  Four fat legs and a groundhog never parted company so fast, neither before nor since.

The End.